mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As shirtless as possible
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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