I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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