i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
