Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
