Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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