i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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