Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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