Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
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I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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