Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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