how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
