If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
