He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
