No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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