So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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