I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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