remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
