Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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