Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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