Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
