my phone needs a breathalizer
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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