You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
