Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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