Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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