see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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