apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
