definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
