Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think my tv is drunk
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
