you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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