why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Plan B is the new Plan A
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
