I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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