Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
