I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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