All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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