Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
