I heard we made out
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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