my phone needs a breathalizer
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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