i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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