I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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