tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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