I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
