I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
