i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
