Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
