i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
