Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
