Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's never too late to be topless.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
