before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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