Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
