I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
