I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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