separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
