Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
