He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
